I always dress up the day after having a bad day-something about put together helps me feel like I can conquer everything. I suppose that’s why today I’m wearing what only can be described as an eclectic bad ass babe’s power suit. The floral pencil skirt is from Eloquii, the sheer teal collared shirt is from Modcloth, and bright, yet assertive, powder blue faux leather jacket is from Just Fab. The earrings are some of my faves I picked up from a local street artistic in New York. The shoes I purchased in London from Jones Bootmaker and were the first pair of heels I could wear all day and not hate the world after. The last detail is pretty much hidden in the images. It’s a gold lucky rabbit ring from Me & Zena. After yesterday’s events, I can use all the luck I can get.
Monday was one of those days I wish hadn’t happened, but am ultimately a better person because it did. Sometimes growth is super painful, but we come out the end better. So as much as I really wanted to run away and hide from all the emotions and self analysis I faced yesterday. I am forever grateful I didn’t. I shared a very public opinion about a very controversial topic. I received some well-thought out rebuttals, but I also received some pretty nasty commentary. It was hard to see a wide variety of assumptions about me be expressed, as well as several unfair analyses of how had come to believe what I did. Some felt the need to negate some pretty powerful and hard experiences in my life. And unfortunately, my body reacted and reminded me of those emotions, those moments, and that pain. It was rough.
I was so hurt. I tried to put something positive out and as a result was left feeling very helpless and like I re-broken something I had already healed. I was feeling so much that I simply didn’t need to. Reliving these experiences weren’t necessary. My participation in the discussion wasn’t necessary. So I made a decision. Somethings just aren’t worth talking about. There are parts of my life I am not ready to share. Heck, I may never be ready. And until I feel comfortable discussing all of it, I’m going to talk about none of it.
What is so hard about this experience, is I didn’t expect this to affect me as it did. I didn’t expect to suddenly feel everything I felt. I thought I was stronger than that. The truth is sometimes being a blogger makes you feel a bit invincible. You get so used to hate. You get desensitized. You begin to expect it. Other’s expect it of you. While there’s power in being conditioned to be fearless and impenetrable, there also can be a slow loss of reality and empathy.
So while yesterday was painful and overwhelming, I am thankful for it. I still stand by my words. I still believe what I said. However, all of that seems quite pointless now. The real thing I learned yesterday is that I am still human. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to have things that are difficult to talk about, experiences you wished never happened, and moments you wish you could rewrite. It’s not shameful to be sensitive, overwhelmed, or hurt. Even though I am blogger exposed to the world, I still am human. I still have feelings. I have fears. I still have room to grow. Sometimes my own expectations of what I need to be, get in the way of who I really am. I’m a feeler and yesterday I felt things. I felt them hard. And those feelings ultimately made me a better person, so I refuse to be ashamed of or regret them.